Brownito ceases to habla English...

Have you heard of Brownito? He's a friendly, dancing brownie that serves as the "mascot and figure head" of a Dominoe's pizza Brownie Squares promotion.

Standing proud, Brownito is three feet tall with Mickey Mouse-like hands, wholehearted greetings like "Hola, soy Brownito!," and wicked break dancing moves he busts out at the click of your mouse. For a while, Brownito was bilingual, and performed his moves under the pseudonym "Fudgem" on the English speaking sister site. But every time I try to use the "visita a brownito en ingles para ver a fudgems" button, I get a blank page and a "HTTP 404 Not Found" message.

What gives Dominoes? I know the press release dates way back to August, but some of us English speakers were just getting to know Brownito in our native language. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful the legend still lives on en espanol. But this HTTP 404 business is a mystery indeed.

I suppose we should count our blessings. After all, the whole brownie promotion did bring us this humorous story.

Even so, I can't help but feel that these large corporations are just toying with our emotions, bringing friendly brownies into our lives and then changing their minds. I haven't actually tasted the brownies, but I sure liked the idea of a brownie hypnotically beatboxing and dancing to techno music. You just don't see that every day. It's breakthrough marketing if I've ever seen it.

Fudgem was soon replaced by another promotion to make way for Dominoe's Brooklyn Style Pizza, where anyone with the name "Brook Lynn", or "Brooklyn" was the recipient of a free pizza in honor of their name. Maybe if I name my future children "Bake Ree" or "Paste Tree" I can use them to get all sorts of free pastries from a willing corporate sponsor! I'd say it's definitely worth chancing it. (But along those lines, what was Gwyneth Paltrow thinking with the whole "Apple" debacle? I'll never understand it.)

In any case, Bake Ree it is! I have to keep my eye on the prize. That's right: I will become the most powerful American bakery hunting mastermind, whether my children like it or not. One day they'll thank me.

Carbohydrates, Destruction, and True Love

Does anyone else find this a little disturbing?

I asked the woman at the bakery if people really eat these, or just use them as some sort of absurd decoration. She said that customers typically use the bears for their dinner rolls...

Personally, I thought that they might be special promotional items for Valentine's Day, since the bear has a heart shape in its torso. After all, God knows there's nothing more romantic than sitting down to a dinner with your sweetheart and simulating the dismemberment of an innocent bear.

So all you lovers out there, if you must, pick up one of these dinner rolls of destruction and get rough with your carbohydrates. Just remember: Butter knives don't kill bears, people kill bears.